The Dark Carnival of Death and Techno

By Ryan Leyba, photos by Garth Milan and Leyba

“Ladies and gentlemen, come one, come all! Step right up and witness an extraordinary display of freakish talent and psychotic behavior performed by the craziest creatures in the universe! Not only will your heart skip many beats, but you will not believe your eyes as these bizarre monsters fly 80 feet through the air on their demonic metal machines, testing fate with every attempt!”

As the dense fog rolled into Sacramento, California, the sounds of chainsaws and crying babies echoed throughout the streets and rays of red light glistened off of the wet asphalt and metal ramps. This was not your typical family circus; this was some sort of surreal psychotic spectacle that could only be witnessed when the planets aligned in the linear form known as freestylus immortalus. Farmers, fathers, doctors, housewives, and children came from all over the northern parts of California. Slowly, the locals started oozing into the carnival of carnage to be amazed, astonished and...quite possibly never see the light of day again.

As the masses entered what could be their last day of existence, onecould sense a thick taste of destruction in the air. With the fatal Ferris wheel spinning madly out of control and the dark Fun House of Death shaking hysterically, the civilians quickly realized that something terrible was about to go down. Mothers were clutching their children and husbands were holding their wives as a loud piercing shriek filled the air and blood started to descend from the heavens like rain.

Suddenly there was a thunderous bang and some sort of light that resembled a UFO ripping through the midnight sky. Out of both bewilderment and curiosity, the local townspeople frantically ran to where the flash of light collided with earth. Each and every person who laid eyes upon the mysterious wreckage started convulsing and foaming at the mouth. One by one, the people of northern California fell into a deep trance and intense hallucination soon followed. The helpless masses fell into the deepest trance of all, which is known to the evil circus spirits as the Stage 9 Nightmare merry-go-round.

The skies opened up, releasing toxic purple fumes into the atmosphere. Lightning bolts struck the heads of virgins and the ground shifted. Soon, metal ramps were being formed out of the rubble. Four mysterious silhouettes emerged from the wreckage and made their way to what seemed to be some kind of metal, space-aged motorcycle death machines. The first creature towered over his counterparts as he stepped off of his bone-marrow-yellow machine. The code name imprinted on his back read: W-I-N-D-H-A-M. The second creature was incredibly white and skinny, but held a very concentrated look on his face. His code name read: A-D-A-M-S. Both beings had some sort of strange logo on their death machines that simply read “DC Shoes.” It was a hard message to decipher, but modern science indicates that the letters stood for “Death Children.” The last two subhuman creatures followed closely and looked to be some type of rebel space army radicals: their code names read F-O-S-T-E-R and T-I-L-T-O-N. The two of them brought up the rear and immediately and uncompromisingly decapitated any of the tranced-out California crowd that appeared to be a threat to their motocross massacre mission.

After sizing up the crowd of humanoids, the sideshow space army mounted their death machines and ignited the roaring engines. The noise was so earsplitting that it instantly collapsed the brain, spine, and exoskeletons of several nearby circus animals. Aware of what was about to take place, the hallucinating humans grabbed the bones of the slain circus animals and slowly crawled up and onto the circus attractions to watch “The Psychotic Sacramento Slaughter.”

Code Name: Windham rode around in a vicious circle before finally charging the black metal ramp at full speed. As he hit the ramp, his death machine released a blue cloud of smoke into the air and he lifted off the ground into what seemed to be oblivion. Unexpectedly, Windham jumped off of his machine and aggressively grabbed on to the back handle, hanging off by just one limb! Out of pure instinct, the humanoids grabbed their animal bones and started banging them together, creating an intense rumble. The resulting kinetic energy was profuse and it was evident that there was some sort of supernatural and massive motocross massacre about to occur.

Following his return from the poison-filled air, Code Name: Windham landed and skid to a halting stop. With smoke intensifying from his rear tire, he started to rev his machine into uncharted noise decibels and began looking around with a fiendish look in his bloodshot eyes. He kicked his death machine into gear and quickly released his clutch, taking aim at a crowd of hallucinating humans standing on the Human-Toaster rollercoaster. Shifting gears rapidly, Windham was reaching intense speeds not yet known to man. Hucking himself off of the “Jumbo Sausage on a Stick” stand, he flew through the air like a human heat-seeking missile and violently struck the standing structure, immediately destroying himself and everything in his path. The end was near!

Code Name: Adams was next to fire up his death machine, and began to ride slowly around the carnival of carnage. Blinded by their intense hallucinations and grave state of trance, the humans shuttered in ecstasy and their eyes started to roll back deep into their heads. You could sense an ironically calm chaos filling the air as Code Name: Adams began to ride around faster and faster until he became nothing but a blinding blur with multiple tracers following him around like a wicked whirlpool. Code Name: Adams was ejected from the metal ramp like a slingshot and thrown into what appeared to be some sort of disorderly backflip bliss. While descending from his fatal flip, Adams was rotating faster and faster until he hit the ground and cut right through the planet’s crust and into the earth's core like a sharp, spinning saw blade. Enormous eruptions of volcanic lava and magma started rushing the humans, melting everything in the way. Armageddon was upon us!

Luckily, at the last minute, with the help of Gumbo the toothless elephant, Belinda the bearded lady was able to break free from her freakshow cage and save the world by igniting the hot dog stand, which in turn sent a river of relish spewing onto the subhumanoid motorcycle riders. Of course, Belinda knew that the pickle-based condiment was the only stop to their evil wrath, and she was determined to do everything in her power to end the madness. Suddenly, hardcore techno music started bumping and I could feel it deep in my chest as I watched the once fearless slaughterers melt to nothingness.

Belinda, your beard is so soft. Whoa! Belinda! You're a fuzzy pink teddy bear! Who the hell are all of these people and why are they dancing all around me in reflective clothing and sucking on pacifiers? Man this kind of looks like a warehouse in downtown L.A. Weird! This is sure a good lollipop that I'm sucking on and these are actually some pretty awesome glow sticks in my hands. Oh man! I have become a slave to the rave! My whole dream... It was all a mad hallucination! But wait. Why do I have pictures of the sideshow space army death creatures in my pocket? I gotta' go see a psychiatrist!